first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
