allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
