the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
