i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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