just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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