Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
