a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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