I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
