my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
