It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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