I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
no. you can't hotbox the world.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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