I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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