you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
