im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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