I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
