I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
