Someone shit on the floor
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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