a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You made out with two different species that night
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
