Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
she peed on how many people?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
