My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
