Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
