i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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