I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
