Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
