my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
