We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
