Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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