You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
