now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
