Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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