I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
