Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
