we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
