i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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