i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
