I met the friendliest cop last night
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
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