Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
