So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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