i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
