So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
