it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
