8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
