Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
