So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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