dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
