Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
