sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
