I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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