He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My vagina is officially offended.
and you fell through a lawn chair
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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