I CAN MOONWALK!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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