well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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