sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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