I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
