There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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